I have no idea why my thoughts led me to meditate on the Act of Contrition today (maybe the Holy Spirit?), but I was meditating on it so deeply, I began to tear up. I won’t say, “I cried”, because real men don’t cry—yeah, right.
I guess it would help my readers unfamiliar with this prayer to know what the Act of Contrition is and when it is used. It is generally used during the Sacrament of Reconciliation (“Confession”) and is said to Christ (through the priest in persona Cristi) to show contrition for our sins. I also say it daily at the end of my rosary. It’s a habit I picked up years ago when my brother Bill was in the seminary. He came home one time on a break and was talking to Mom about what he was learning and I was listening in from the other room. I remember him telling Mom that it was a very good prayer to say if in immediate danger of death. I figured that was a good enough reason to say it every day, because you just never know. Even those days when I can’t get a full rosary in (which are few), I manage to say the Act of Contrition. It also helps to remind me to examine my conscience pretty regularly—and that can’t hurt!
The prayer is this: O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell. But most of all, because they offend thee, my God, who art all Good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of thy Grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.
There are many different versions of the prayer, but this is the one that touches my soul. The others seem to be tailored to younger people, and “watered down” somehow.
What got me crying was a point in my meditation when I started thinking about the Passion of Christ and all of the pain and trauma he endured because of my sins. I found I wasn’t as concerned about the punishment that should be awaiting me, but that He suffered my punishment for me, and I fail most of the time to recognize that.
It reminded me of an incident that occurred many years ago when I was in the Boy Scouts. My brother Tom had just joined and was on his first camping trip with us. I was a patrol leader and Tom was assigned to my patrol. We were assigned the task of collecting firewood so that dinner could be prepared. For some reason, we didn’t collect enough wood. Some of the other boys blamed Tom for our shortage, although we were probably all to blame. But being the “new kid” he was an easy fall guy. The patrol, as a group, decided to “punish” Tom by putting him on “KP”—washing the dishes and cleaning up the food preparation area while the rest of the patrol went exploring. Instead of standing up for my brother, as I should have, I remained silent and let the hazing continue until Tom started crying about the unfairness of it all. That’s when my own waterworks began and I spent the entire first night in my tent crying because I wasn’t strong enough in my love for Tom to protect him. Tom quit the scouts shortly after that trip possibly because of that experience. It took several years for me to forget the incident, but it was brought to my mind today when I realized that my indifference to the situation was probably more hurtful to Tom than the actual hazing. Sort of like the indifference I show to our Lord’s sacrifice for me every time I sin.
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