Lawn care

I read this joke this morning and it reminded me why I really hate yard work.  Ha ha.

An imaginary conversation between God and St. Francis of Assisi on the subject of lawn care:



GOD: Frank, since you are my chief advisor on nature and the earth and stuff, maybe you can tell me. What in the world is going on down there on that planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.


ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.


GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?


ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each Spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.


GOD: Well. The Spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.


ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.


GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?


ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.


GOD: They bag it? Oh, I see. It's a cash crop. Do they sell it to feed their families?


ST. FRANCIS: No Lord. Just the opposite. They pay to have it hauled away.


GOD: Wait. Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it and pay to have it hauled away?


ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Lord.


GOD: That doesn't make any sense. Then these Suburbanites must be relieved in the Summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the grass growth and saves them a lot of work.


ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to cut it and pay to get rid of it.


GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the Spring to provide beauty and shade in the Summer. In the Autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.


ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great big piles and pay to have them hauled away too.


GOD: That's ridiculous. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the Winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?


ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy this stuff they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.


GOD: And where do they get this... this... mulch?


ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up.