There are plenty of saints that cater to modern-day issues if you know where to look, and you are willing to accept some pretty flimsy correlations to the saints’ lives.
The Patron Saint of Phantom Cell Phone Vibrations - Gabriel the Archangel
You’ve been there: the panicky moments pawing through your purse or stuffed coat pockets for your vibrating phone, only to finally locate it and realize that you had completely hallucinated the entire thing. To ensure that such a minor irritant never happens again, dial up Gabriel the Archangel, the patron saint of telephones and telecommunications. He’s the saint of these things thanks to his role as messenger from God to humans, which is either way easier or a whole lot harder now that we have text messaging. I wonder if he’s the go-to guy for ‘butt-dialing’, as well?
The Patron Saint of Cracked iPhone Screens - Clare of Assisi
Turn to Clare when your iPhone has just landed face down on the concrete thanks to your toddler’s fit of rage over that Frozen app you ‘accidentally’ deleted. Clare is the saint of all things TV-related because she once saw and heard Christmas mass even though it was taking place miles away from the bed she was confined to. Clare’s prowess over all things screen-related may just mean your glass will be intact when you retrieve Siri from the ground.
The Patron Saint of Wikipedia - St. Isidore of Seville
If you’re reading something on Wikipedia that you’re pretty sure is completely false (although I can’t imagine how that can be), turn to Isidore of Seville for guidance. Not only is he the patron saint of the Internet, he was named so because of his prolific writings, including a dictionary, an encyclopedia, a history of Goths and a history of the world beginning with creation. I’m pretty sure an archiver like that wouldn’t stand for Wikipedia shenanigans.
Do you have the tendency to sleep through your alarm? Did the time change throw you for a loop? Give a nod to St. Vitus, though his tie to oversleeping is both thin and disturbing.
St. Vitus was a Sicilian who was converted from paganism to Christianity by his tutor and his nurse at the age of 12. Because of Vitus' conversion, his father had the three arrested and whipped at the stake.
Angels freed them from prison, and they fled to Rome where Vitus exorcised the devil from the emperor's son. Because Vitus refused to give thanks to the pagan gods for the devil's departure, Vitus was tortured and condemned to death and thrown to the lions.
The lions refused to touch Vitus, so both Vitus and a rooster were thrown into boiling oil. Because of the rooster's early morning crowing, Saint Vitus became known as the Patron Saint Against Oversleeping. Like I said, thin and disturbing.
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