Jesus has our backs

On July 5^th, 2000, “at the fourth watch of the night” (Matthew 14:25)  two men broke the door down to the motel room I was staying in and, while one of the men held a gun at my head, the other started stuffing everything of value he could find into a pillowcase. The guy with the gun was also busy ripping my relatively new ‘Mickey Mouse’ watch off of my wrist and searching for my wallet; he didn’t find it, as I had accidentally kept it in the car that night (Providence?).  I was frozen in fear.  The stories of a life flashing before one’s eyes when in imminent danger of death are true, at least they were for me as the events were unfolding.

The “fourth watch of the night” is that time between 3:00 AM and dawn.  There are still a lot of times, even twenty years later, when I awaken and feel fear of the storms that seem to surround my life.  Fear of not having done enough, fear for those I love and for whom I can do nothing but pray for, fear about my own future, fear that something important is due and not finished; you name it, my “4 O’clock demon” wants to diminish any peace and joy in being human, wants to bring me to despair, or simply wants to make me miserable.  Even though I personify the feeling I don’t really think of it as another creature so much as that enemy of human flourishing that dwells in my own less-than-courageous self that would be chided by Jesus’ “you of little faith.” (Matthew 14:31)  It’s not that I have no faith; to say so would be to dishonor the wondrous gift of faith that God has given me through the Holy Spirit in Baptism, but I certainly can be one of “little faith”…that is, one who allows spiritual desolation to take hold.  

“Peter said to him in reply, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.”” Matthew 14:28-29

My 3:00 or 4:00 AM demon is the voice within me that doesn’t want to take the time to discern whether it’s Jesus who calls me to some new and challenging task; perhaps the task of loving more deeply, responding more enthusiastically, trying something new and dangerous and life giving.  It’s the fear that doesn’t want me to risk even praying to find out what the Spirit calls me to.  It’s the silent dread that refuses the work of opening my heart and mind to the call to “Come.”  God spare me from that voice – or at least give me Peter’s modest faith that tremulously asks, “If it is you, command me to come,” that would be enough for me.

What a wonderful expression of faith!  St. Peter, caught in stormy conditions on the sea, expressed his complete confidence that if Jesus were to call him out of the boat to walk on water, it would happen.  Jesus does call him to Himself, and St. Peter begins to walk on water.  But being human, Peter was filled with fear and began to sink.  Fortunately, Jesus caught him, and all was well.

I believe this is something that happens to all of us over the course of our lives in Christ, although maybe not as dramatically.  What we once feared (death), we come to understand, and it’s through His eternal love that fear is driven out and we live in peace. (Psalms 34:4)

As I reflect on the gospel (Matthew 14:22-36) more deeply, this story reveals much to us about our own lives of faith and much more about the goodness of Jesus.  So often we begin with a faith in our head and have every intention of living that faith.  Like Peter, we often make firm resolutions to trust in Jesus and to “walk on water” at His command.  However, all too often we experience the same thing Peter did.  We start to live the trust we express in Jesus, only to suddenly waver and give in to fear in the midst of our hardship.  We begin to sink and have to cry out for help. 

In some ways, the ideal would have been if Peter expressed his faith in Jesus and then walked to Him without faltering.  But, in other ways, this is the ideal story in that it reveals the depth of Jesus’ mercy and compassion.  It reveals that Jesus will catch us and draw us out of our doubts and fears when our faith gives way.  This story is much more about Jesus’ compassion and the extent of His help than it is about Peter’s lack of faith.

I still struggle to understand completely what the Lord has in mind for me before He calls me home, but I think if the robbery were to happen again today it wouldn’t be as terrifying for me because of a stronger faith and better Sacramental life than I had back then.  Along with the intercession of His blessed Mother and the saints, I have come to know with certainty that Jesus is there and that he “has my back.”